Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
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He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
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They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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