and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
