I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
