that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
