I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
