Buhtt sex?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
