i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
