Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
