You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
