We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
