just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Is it penis luge time yet?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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