Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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