I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
