ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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