I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza