mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.