shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
