I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
