am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
