he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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