please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
