I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
