I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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