If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
