YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
