I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
