just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
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I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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