why didn't you poke me back
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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