So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
