I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
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