Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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