Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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