Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
it hurts more in the daytime
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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