I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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