i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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