I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
