god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
