some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
