i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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