Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
