Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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