I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
