I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
