My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
