The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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