Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
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