if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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