i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
