I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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