Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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