sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
