I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
