Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
