I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
