I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
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They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
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literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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