We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
