Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
