Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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