was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
