No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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