Michael Bay diarrhea
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
