Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
