i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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