Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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